Be The Person You Needed Before.
A trick I learned to heal inner hurt.
I can be a pretty obsessive individual, but, there is one topic that supersedes all my other preoccupations.
That is… you becoming you.
And, I think I’ve found a nice little trick to help move that process along.
All it involves, is a bit of reframing.
So — lets go back in time.
Back to when Arthur was a TV show and not a dead meme.
Back to days of freeze pops and dinosaur nuggets.
Back when cartoons and little league baseball dominated our miniscule attention spans.
When life was simple, fun even. No time for complexity, relationship issues, money problems, or mounting responsibilities.
The ignorance of youth can be a beautiful thing.
But then, it becomes juxtaposed with our current state of ‘knowing’. Somewhere around our teenage years, we began to realize this was all a sick game.
Well — most of us did.
Others (like myself) were a little late to the party, and continued to float on by in a bubble of deception, assuming the best in everyone despite what the evidence bore out.
For this exercise, I need us to go before that, back to times that were freer.
In as much as you can be free at the age of 12…
Nonetheless, I enjoyed those days.
But, I can’t say that I’d want to go back.
You can only do so much — and your world is still relatively tiny. One of the great things about getting older, is you also grow in sovereignty, real freedom.
At least, in theory.
(…only, many of us are still shackled to a system based upon compliance.)
But thats for another article.
For in this moment, I simply want you to imagine…
What were you like back in those days? Before the big bad world came and stole your innocence?
Quirky? Awkward? Unsure?
One of the ways I try to keep empathy, despite how others act, is to imagine them as a child.
It’s powerful.
A friend suggested this to me while I was working construction in the summer of 2019. I struggled in taking orders from our boss, Mark; who was less than eloquent and often resorted to personal insults.
I would usually respond with indifference or shoddy work.
Somehow — my friend, JD is his name — seemed able to respond differently.
He remained attentive, and worked like crazy.
Almost to the point of full submission. It was impressive to watch, and even more surprising was how our boss would respond.
JD essentially gave him virtually no reason to remain crabby, and in the end — his mood would change. Sometimes we’d even get pizza out of the deal.
When I asked him how he did it, he told me;
“I just imagine the 12 year old version of him, lost and probably alone (both of Mark’s parents died at a young age) and I resort to helping that kid instead of the grumpy old dude I see in front of me.”
That changed my whole perspective.
Because before, I could only see people as they presented themselves.
Whatever false mask life had caused them to keep secured, I simply took as fact. Didn’t question it — and definitely didn’t try to understand it — I would simply pass silent judgement and keep it moving.
What I failed to realize, is that they’re hurting too.
So, that got me thinking.
What if we began to use our imaginations a bit more in this way? Often, I find that its tough for people to practice empathy, because they’ve yet to begin rehearsing on the home front. So start with yourself. What were you like at 9?
Here’s a fact:
We can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
And so, in a way, our inability to lead with empathy today is rooted in self-sabotage, posing as neurosis and obsession.
We’re all obsessed, just look at how we tend to relate on social media.
Relevance is the currency of our age.
What’s worse, is that this obsession doesn’t seem to be at all correlated with true love — just attention.
Think about it.
Do we really love ourselves, unconditionally? I’m not so sure we even know ourselves.
This makes the golden rule an entirely sadistic exercise in learned helplessness.
“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” becomes,
“Hurt others, because at the end of the day they’ll probably hurt you anyway”
Is this what we really want?
I don’t.
And so, I think it’s time we began to heal.
For real.
For ourselves, for our friends, and for a world that’s dying due to this self-imposed malice. So again, I need you to go back a decade or two –
(or four or five…)
And really try and reconnect with the kid you once were.
Maybe during a period of quiet meditation, or while in transition from one part of your day to the next, (would also make for an ideal journal entry).
Do yourself a solid, and talk to that kid.
What are they like? Rascal? Shy guy?
Ask them what they need, and listen.
Be brutally honest. It’s just you.
Ask why they decided to adopt the face you now wear, then ask how to start the process of demasking.
Ask them… and begin to take inventory of just how you can begin to bring that cartoon loving child back to the surface of your current identity.
Because the truth is, that kid is still in there — just buried.
I’m not saying to be immature, I am saying to be a kid again.
Because chances are, thats when you were most yourself.
So, like a game of hide and go seek, it’s your job to go and find that young princess.
Or to rediscover that fearless ballplayer.
And bring them back into the fray of your present day.
Obviously, this isn’t a one-day healing process.
These things take time.
And effort.
My hope, is that in reconnecting with your past, you can begin to form a new type of relationship with your current self, reframe your experience to reform your appearance.
Hacking away at the roots of hatred and dissatisfaction, planting a seed of gratitude in new soil, and watering that flower of understanding –
Then begin the revelation of your true self flourishing, and rooted in love.
So, start. Today.
Become the person you need. It’s not too late.
You may just find out that the hidden self you’ve been suppressing, is a lot more fun to hang out with than the version you’ve grown used to.
And in that realization, you’ll subtly start to reconcile with how you relate to others as well. It’s inevitable.
This is how we heal.
Intentionally, and one soul at a time.
Hope this helps.
